Lifestyle

“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” –Ashleigh Brilliant

Your lifestyle determines you. It says a lot about who you are, what you are about, what you are into, and all kinds of other stuff. Being Fucking Awesome is a lifestyle, not just a status. Fucking Awesome has to resonate from you, otherwise no one will know that you are Fucking Awesome.

I have a routine, every day, that I follow. Let me break it down for y’all:

Masturbate

Masturbation, as I have said, is important. You can be keeping your nuts filled up with shit. Ever. Keep them empty. Keeps your head clear, your emotions in check, and you in full control.

I masturbate thirty-seven times a day. The first twenty are immediately wake up. I don’t even hit the snooze on my alarm. I grab my dick and I start pumping out nuts. No matter how winded I get – I am a very vigorous masturbator. By the time I reach thirteen I feel like quitting, but I keep pushing! My heart is racing, I burning calories, and getting some cardio. By the seventeenth nut, I’m just shooting dust, but it has to come out.

When I hit twenty, I take a five minute breather and then I get out of bed. I masturbate once more while I brush my teeth, again while I take my morning shit, and once more when I shower. At this point I am at twenty-three nuts, and I haven’t even had my coffee.

While my coffee brews, I cook breakfast. Eggs. Good protein. I masturbate while I cook them, getting in two nuts before they are done. I then eat, drink my coffee, and finally get dressed.

I do my daily workout, then come back in for three more nuts, another shower and a nut, putting me at twenty-nine. By the time I get fully dressed, I hit the thirty mark.

If we have a meeting that day, I am on Skype with Cody and Davidlee, getting thirty-one in, and they never know.

When it real work time, like working on script ideas and shit, I don’t touch my dick. I gotta be focused. Writing fucked up, perverted comics requires a lot of focus, and if I am focusing on busting a nut, I ain’t gonna be busting out solid ideas.

Once work is done, I bump myself up to thirty-six and then go about my day. The thirty-seventh nut is reserved right before bedtime.

Now, masturbating a lot and not allowing it to slow you down in the mornings means you gotta masturbate on the move. Which means you can be making a mess sometimes. What I have found works best is to wrap rags around my feet and just slide around the house, wiping up any semen as I slide by.

I bought a Roomba once with the plan of just having it follow me around and suck my semen up as it goes, but apparently it can’t handle a little cum. It got burnt out and died after five-minutes.

You will always have to get good with doing a lot of things one handed, but with enough dedication, and practice, you can manage.

Now don’t try to be like me and start of at thirty-seven right off the bat. Start slow. Start with ten one week, fifteen the next, and work your way up to thirty-seven, but don’t go past thirty-seven! It’s a magical masturbation number, one that can’t be explained, but once you reach it, you will understand.

Workout

I have a strict workout routine that even some of the most fit motherfuckers can’t handle. I was hanging out with The Rock a few months back and he was blown away by my routine. Had fear struck in him when he heard it. I know, cause he laughed. Laughing is what people do in unfunny situations when they feel intimidated.

My workout consists of muscle building, extreme cardio, and tongue strengthening.

After my breakfast and coffee I do five situps, five pullups – on my door jamb, two squats, one pushup, and one curl. Gets your heart pumping and primed for the cardio.

For my cardio, I run from my front door to my mailbox. Which is a whole twenty-feet, and then back again, giving me a total of forty. At this point, I am ready to drop dead, but I keep pushing. I go back inside and do some mountain climber for a solid ten-seconds. I take a thirty-minute rest, and then run to my mailbox and back again.

For my tongue strengthening, cause that muscle is needed for talking, I lay a Q-Tip across it and lift it ten times.

Don’t expect to be able to accomplish all of this on your first month, and be ready to piss blood once you start hitting these goals. I pissed blood for my first two-years doing this extreme workout, but now I knock it out every god damn day and I never miss a day.

Diet

Food is important. You need it. But only the right amount of it. Too much of it and you are slowed down. Not enough of it and you die. I spent an entire year coming up with the perfect amount of food that is needed to be consumed on a daily basis. I could easily write an entire book on it alone. Who knows, maybe one day I will pen the “Fucking Awesome Cookbook”, but that is a journey I have yet fully decided to take.

Sharing this super secret diet scared me at first, because it is one I am very passionate about and I am sure I could sell it to a chef or a nutritionist or a buddhist. But I decided to give it away to those smart enough to read this.

I’m gonna break it down for you:

Breakfast

Eighteen eggs. Sunny side up. Pinch of salt. No pepper. Shit is too spicy. Two gallons of orange juice, high-pulp, strained.

An entire pot of coffee and seven shots of espresso, and one Hi-Ball energy drink. Blood Orange flavor. No other flavor. Blood Orange is the best flavor and if anyone says different I will suplex they ass.

Lunch

Chicken Tartar. A lot of people are freaked out by raw chicken, but if you dice that shit up real fine like, throw a whole shallot in – diced as well – and give a splash of milk, olive oil, salt, lemon zest, sugar, american cheese, taco seasoning, chocolate chips, and a sprig of thyme, the shit tastes amazing. It almost melts in your mouth like fucking butter. Oh, and you will need to use fifteen chicken breasts.

Along with that tartar, have two whole French baguettes. Eat that shit like a barbarian eating a turkey leg.

Tomato soup. My personal – and best in the world – recipe is as follows: Twenty whole tomatoes. Put them in a bowl and punch the shit out of them until they are pulp. Put in some milk, taco seasoning, thirty-seven boiled eggs – you need to punch those, too – and nineteen cans of anchovies. Heat that shit up on the stove in a pot, and enjoy. Garnish with Bud Light Lime reduction, and two whole cloves of garlic, skin on.

And the last component for lunch is an entire, uncooked russet potato. Don’t wash that shit. The dirt is natural and good for you.

Snack

Thirteen bananas. Five cups of yogurt, no flavor. Two bags of Dill Pickle flavored chips. A pint of cottage cheese sprinkled with taco seasoning. One grape.

Dinner

Dinner is my favorite meal of the day. It’s when I like to get fancy and relax when I eat.

Two boxes of Reese’s Puff cereal. Dry.

A five-pound porterhouse, make friends with your butcher for this as they usual don’t sell em that big. Cook that shit until it is burnt. Raw red meat is disgusting. Put an entire stick of butter on that bitch and let it melt.

Five bunches of asparagus poached in milk and taco seasoning. Leave those tough bottoms on, they build jaw muscles.

A tortilla shell filled with twelve packets of taco seasoning. Roll it up like a burrito and enjoy the flavor explosion in your mouth.

Butter soup. Just melt a pound of butter with taco seasoning.

Lastly, thirty brownies.

And that’s the diet. You just eat those meals every day of the week. If you go to a restaurant with some homies, you just don’t order shit. Get some water, but don’t sway from your diet. Failing to follow this diet plan will greatly hinder your Fucking Awesome status and once you get fully devoted to it and you break it – I did once – you will feel it. It feels like your life essence is being drained.

Now do note that your body will not be used to this when you first start to tackle it. I was puking and felt like I was gonna die my first year eating this diet, but I stuck with it. Now I have an aura about me that attracts people. They want to be near me, and a part of that is from the energy that this diet gives. It is scientifically proven. I ran tests with my abacus and everything.

Sleep

I get sixteen hours of sleep every single night. I hear you already, “oh, but Welton, how do you get that much sleep and still get everything else done?”

By another scientifically proven feat I discovered with my abacus, a beaker I found at the Dollar Store, and even discussed with Tyson dude. Not the boxer, the other one.

You have to kick your body into overdrive when you sleep. Knock out that last masturbation session and then use a belt to choke yourself until you pass out. That lack of oxygen helps you fall asleep harder than you have ever fallen asleep before, meaning the hours you sleep our doubled. One hour equals two. Two hours equal four, and so on.

You’ll wake up every morning feeling like a new person with so much energy you don’t know what to do with it, and that is super important for getting the extreme workout needed for being Fucking Awesome.

You may feel a bit intimidated by the whole choking yourself thing, but fucking do it. You will not regret it. You will still have enough oxygen to breathe, but not enough so that you get the deepest sleep ever possible.

Reading

Only this book. When you finish it, read it again.

Thinking Time

Everyday you need to set aside two-minutes to think. About everything and anything you could possibly need to. Like, why was Final Fantasy VII: Remake so god damn fucking weird? We didn’t need those ghost fucking things, and we done whooped Sephiroth’s ass. The meaning of life. What would it feel like to swim in a pool of Jell-O? Why did Betty White rape me with a gigantic strap on shaped like a horse’s dick?

When two-minutes are up, you stop thinking.

Work Ethic

Never act like you give a fuck. So when you do drop some dope ass shit on the mother fuckers during the Writer’s Room meetings, they will be like, “ohhhh, shit! Welton is awake! He is participating! He actually came up with a funny idea.”

That is how you shine. You let everyone else put in the hard work, and the majority of it, and then you just garnish it like a mother fucker fly ass Chef! (Fun fact: I taught Thomas Keller how to properly garnish, and now look at him. Gonna send his ass a signed copy of this book, along with a, “you’re welcom, slutmonkey!”)

Tell People That You Are Fucking Awesome

The final and most important. Tell motherfuckers that you are Fucking Awesome! Let them fucking know! Don’t shy away from that shit! They doubt you, pull your dick out and shake it at them. It will throw them off guard and probably make them cry. And if you a lady, shake your clit at them. That will always catch them off guard.

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